just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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