Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
