so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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