Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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