"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
