Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
28 Completely Safe For Work Pictures Of Genitals
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week