I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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