I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
