Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
