Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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