It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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