Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.