when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress