Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful