So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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