So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
