Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
