I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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