the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
