I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Randomize
