life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
