you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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