How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
