I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
