from now on my penis is your penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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