i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
