Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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