God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
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the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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