guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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