Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
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Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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