the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
