I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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