I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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