my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How many fucks given?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.