I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.