Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.