he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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