Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
