trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
