all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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