Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
