bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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