I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?