The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like