What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
