I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
