You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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