can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize