All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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