Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND