I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug