It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
