i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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