Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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