between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
