dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
